Oh, my God, will you look at that.
What is that?
Oh, no. Fran's giving her mother's canasta group a tour of the house.
Cover your cheeks!
And this is the very piano once played by Mr. Marvin "The Way We Were" Hamlish.
Don't push, Frida. Ever since they took you off of the estrogen you're so aggressive,
not to mention that five o'clock shadow.
Sorry. My girl doesn't do windows. I thought I'd show her it's not such a sin.
Meet me in the kitchen, and I'll clean behind the refrigerator.
And this is the famous Sheffield guest bathroom.
I don't want to drop names, but Liz Taylor did not leave "White Diamonds" in there.
Celebrities coming, going, I don't know how my Fran stays so down-to-earth.
Ha, ha. Oh, Ma, please, people are people. We're all the same under the eyes of...
Ben Vereen! Oh, my God!
Do "Roots." Do "Roots."
And who are these lovely ladies? / Oh, I'm sorry.
Ben, this is my nanny, her mother,
and the 1948 Israeli luge team?
Do "Pippin." Do "Pippin."
Miss Fine, please.
Oh, so I guess a highlight of "Ten Speed and Brown Shoe" would be out of the question?
So you're the one who saw that.
Nanny Fine, come on. Mr. Vereen is a very busy man.
Coming through, coming through.
Now can I give you a lift back to the hotel?
He can ride in the basket with Toto.
Ben, Ben, this show has been a passion of mine for 20 years.
And now with you, we have a sure fire hit on our hands.
I hope I still have the moves.
Bravo, bravo, /**************
I love you. I love you.
Well, you see, people are people. He touched that, it's mine.
Yes, I can't believe this play is finally happening.
Now if we can just get the financing in place.
Fran, come here. / What, Ma?
We want to invest or canasta winnings in Mr. Sheffield's play.
Your pishki? / Yeah.
Oh, Ma, don't be too fast and loose with your pishki. / What?
It hasn't been touched in years. / All right.
Mr. Sheffield, they want to give you their pishki.
Oh, well, she seems like a lovely woman, but...
No, this is Frida.
The pishki are their winnings from playing cards.
Oh, goody, we're made.
Um, what my partner means to say is, though we appreciate your enthusiasm for the theater, ladies,
we cannot possibly accept your... / $25,000?
You're in.
Niles, that's the spread you're putting out for Mr. Sheffield's big investor?
My mother's got money in this show.
I want him walking out with his pants spread and an Alka-Seltzer foaming out of his mouth.
Miss Fine, this is Beluga caviar, $100 an ounce.
Niles, shopping tip, lump fish, Price Club, a dollar ninety-nine.
It can fill up your whole bathtub.
All right, Niles. Charles Haist will be here any minute.
What? Is this all you're serving? / Told you so.
Niles, I want everything to be perfect.
I've been wanting to do this play since the beginning of my career,
and now finally Cee Cee has found an investor that shares my vision.
Oh, what does he do? / He's a garbage man.
But a very wealthy and acclaimed one.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, look at you. You seem like a virgin on your wedding night,
not that I would know.
Ah, because I've never been married.
Where the devil is Cee Cee? / Well, it is raining outside, sir.
Perhaps she melted.
Shall I see if there's a pointy hat and Chanel suit lying in the street?
Well, let's just hope my trashman comes through,
or we'll lose the theater, lose Ben Vereen,
and it could be 20 years before the pieces come together again.
Well, then, what would happen to my mother's pishki?
Oh, well, surely, Miss Fine, your mother realizes
that investing in the theater is a risky business.
You're talking about a woman whose idea of risk is wearing white pants to Tony Roma's.
Besides, she's already decided how to spend the profit. She's going to get her whole face redone.
Oh, Miss Fine, it's a little premature.
Really? I thought she was long overdue.
No, Miss Fine, it's premature to spend it.
I mean you, you never know which way a play is going to go.
Well, I don't like the sound of this at all. You said it was a sure-fire hit.
That's my job, to get investors.
Believe me, I've tried all the other arguments.
Why not throw your money down a rat hole; the theater is dying, all of those.
But oddly enough the sure-fire hit routine is somehow more enticing.
Well, how much of your own dough did you stuff down this turkey?
Well, I never invest in my own plays.
Well, it would be rather like a doctor operating on himself.
Oh, although I got a cousin who's a urologist... / Yes.
Poor Pee Wee's off the air, and my cousin's still practicing.
Maxwell, is he here yet because I am hot today.
Some twit of a tourist tried to cheat me out of a cab.
I stunned him with my umbrella and kneed him right in the big apple.
I don't know why some nice guy hasn't snatched her up.
Oh, my God, my hair.
Look, Cee Cee, I'm counting on you.
Haist fancies himself a bit of a ladies' man,
so please do what you have to to make yourself presentable.
Shall I open the roof and strap her to a lightning rod?
No pressure, Miss Babcock, but, you know, if you don't make this happen,
I know 12 canasta ladies that are going to come after
you like the last piece of pastrami on a tray full of head cheese.
Miss Fine, please. / I'm going, I'm going.
All right. Let's just hope Mr. Haist's in a generous mood.
I hate show business already.
I had a harder time getting here than I did coming down the birth canal.
Charles Haist, how you doing?
Maxwell Sheffield, hello. What on earth happened to you?
Well, I was just getting into a taxi when some big blond woman kneed me in the groin,
and then she clobbered me with some hideous green umbrella.
So where's your partner, Cee Cee?
You know she's the best FAX I ever had.
Well, Charlie, what, what do you say we just keep this between us boys, hey?
Oh, I gave that up in camp, Sheffy.
Let me tell you why I'm getting into show business.
I have made zillions in waste management but you just don't see a lot of leg,
and if you do, you're calling homicide. Ha, ha, ha.
What exactly are you saying?
What I'm saying, no chick, no check, no deal.
Maxwell, is he here yet? Ahhhh ...
Was that / Ah, that's... oh, you might as well know, that was my partner, Miss Babcock.
All right, come on out, Cee Cee.
Oh, no. Do I have a run in my Hanes?
Look, that's not a run; that's just a little snag.
Have you got some clear polish? I'll fix it for you.
Miss... / Babcock, how do you do?
What? You know, you sounded a little different on the phone.
Oh, I switched to MCI. / Oh, why?
Because I have got a lot of friends and family.
What's that?
The dog. We put her away because we didn't want her to jump your leg.
We really need to have her fixed.
Shall we?
Maxwell, Nanny Fine can't possibly pass for me.
She isn't in my class.
She doesn't have my breeding.
Well, then perhaps she won't lick herself in front of company.
Maxwell, are you going to let him talk to me like that?
Yes.
You attacked our investor. That's bad, Cee Cee, very bad.
Maxwell. / Sit.
Is he going to hit her with a rolled-up newspaper?
All right. We have exactly three minutes to teach you everything Miss Babcock knows about the theater.
We can do that and make a two-minute egg.
First, we open in Philadelphia. / Oh, Philly, great.
My Aunt Selma lives in Philly. She's the one with the miracle ear.
Oh, a bit deaf, hey? / No, she has a miracle ear.
When you look way inside, you can see the Virgin Mary.
She can't even get her ears pierced because they keep healing.
This is absurd.
Miss Fine, please.
Miss Babcock. / Miss Babcock.
What?
You better call me Cee Cee. After all, we have been partners for over ten years.
She's right. There needs to be a certain level of intimacy.
I've always said that. / Sheffield?
Get out, get out. Out, out, / Maxwell, it's raining.
So where'd you guys disappear to?
We had to put the dog out.
All right, Sheffield, now I've got a couple of questions about the play.
Now the first... does she ever wear pants?
Cause then I'm out.
And, second, where's the play open. / Oh, I know that. I know that. I ...
Miss Babcock, would you like some cream cheese?
We open in Kraft.
We open in Philly, Miss Fine... Babcock, fine Miss Babcock.
Oh, that she is. But I'm moving on.
Act I is... it's trash.
I beg your pardon. It's a touching, well crafted ...
Oh, it's got flies on it, Sheffy. We need a rock-um sock-um opening number.
Yeah, people go to the theater after dinner.
They got gas. They need a cover.
Right. We need a big number so people can open their candy wrappers.
Which they'll then throw on the floor.
More garbage.
Oh, that intermission is going to sound like Massachusetts in the fall.
Now, about that check ...
I'm going to give you that check tomorrow evening over dinner.
I've made reservations at the Rainbow Room.
Oh, I love that place. / Oh, what a success story.
They must do 20, 30, dumpsters a night. / No.
Cee Cee, Cee Cee. / I'll pick you up at 8:00. Where do you live?
Well, um, you'd think I live here; I'm such a freeloader.
Perhaps you have a business card in your purse. / Good.
No. Your purse.
That's my purse.
It's the rage in Europe.
Okay. Let's see. We've got Retin-A and collagen.
Oh, here, what's this?
Oh, the bill from my shrink. Whoa! Am I unhappy.
407 East 86th Street. I'll send a limo.
Niles, did you forget something? / Oh, yes, quite right, sir.
Oh, man, I'll never get this game. What do you do if you have four queens?
Gather around the piano and sing songs from "Gypsy."
Hi, guys.
Oh, wow, Fran, you look so hot in this dress.
Oh, oh. I'm supposed to look like Miss Babcock.
I tried to dress conservatively.
Niles, can you picture Miss Babcock in this dress?
Not if I ever want to function as a man again.
Sorry, Maggie, but three kings beat four queens.
They do? / Brighten, that is a big fat lie. Didn't I teach you anything?
Gee, I don't know, Cee Cee, did you?
Well, that's an entirely different thing.
I am not lying. I'm just pretending, like in one of your father's plays.
Oh, so you're pretending to be an actor?
No. You're thinking of Stephen Segal.
Besides, why aren't you playing hide and seek with your sister Gracie?
She's been up in the hamper for three and a half hours.
Oh, she'll show. How many days can she go without food?
Well, about as long as you can go without that "Playboy" magazine
that's rolled up inside your Lincoln logs.
Ready or not, here I come.
Okay, Niles, I'm off to be Miss Babcock.
Help me get into character. Hit me with your best shot.
Oh, no, Miss Fine, I couldn't possibly.
Oh, come on. Hello, hello, I'm Cee Cee Babcock.
Off to go to work. / In your usual corner?
Oh, I'm sorry. Miss Fine, don't make me do this.
I'm Miss Babcock, and I'm off to get money from a man.
Don't forget your change belt.
Oh, I hate myself. Do it again.
Now I have to go. / Oh, come on, one more, I'm hot.
Oh, all right, and I'll make this one easy.
Niles, get me a drink. I'm dog tired.
Dog tired? / Come on.
A drink for the dog. / I don't hear anything.
Oh, ah, ah ... / Oh, Niles, get a life.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, I've got, I've got it.
I'll leave the lid up on the toilet bowl ...
Officer.
Hi. / You finally got here.
Oh, this is nice. Very warm.
Which way to radiology?
Let me guess. The Heidi Fleiss collection?
You told me to wear something designer.
All right. I have prepared a short dossier on myself.
where I grew up, went to prep school,
when I came out. / You came out?
So what are you always sniffing around Mr. Sheffield for?
My coming out party, Miss Fine.
I know. I heard you.
You know, now you and your special friend can dance together at Disneyland.
Oh, aren't these lovely.
Oh, who are these people in the picture?
That's my brother, and that's any sister.
Wow, isn't he gorgeous.
Yeah, he is, isn't he? / Come on. Who is he?
Just someone; he's not important. / Oh, tell me, tell me.
He came with the frame, okay?
Oh, honey, there's nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of grown women do that.
So pathetic.
All right, now what do I do if Haist wants something to drink?
Oh, I've got gin, vodka, bourbon.
You don't have anything a little softer? / Rum?
It's a good thing that I carry a can of Clamato with me.
Plus if ever you hit a skunk / Nanny Fine.
Meanwhile, Miss Martha Stewart, with half a million dollars coming,
would it have hurt to squeeze a little cheese on a Ritz?
Please, concentrate. Who is it?
Who do you think it is? Ed McMahan? Get in the closet.
Charlie, hi.
Hello. / Come on in and take a load off. That check must be heavy.
So this is your apartment. / Uh-huh.
Doesn't look like you at all. / Ha, ha. Go hire a straight decorator.
For you, Cee Cee. / Oh, how lovely.
Thank you so much. Did you bring the half a mil?
Cee Cee, I've been thinking. I don't want to invest that much.
You don't? / No. I want to double it.
Ohhhhhh ...
Poltergeist.
I got the apartment really cheap, but I can't watch TV.
Are you going to put those flowers in a vase?
Oh, yeah, sure, of course.
If only I could figure out where I put my vases.
Perhaps in the kitchen. / Right. In the kitchen. Of course.
That's a linen closet.
The maid was here today. She never puts anything back where it belongs.
Now if I were the maid, where would I put the kitchen?
Oh, bingo.
Aren't you going to get that?
No. It's just my idiot neighbor. You live in 6-B.
Maxwell, what are you doing here?
Cee Cee, I've come to my senses. This is not how I do business.
Are you crazy? He is throwing money at her, and she didn't even have to put out...
hors d'oeuvres, the cats, anything really.
I don't care how important this play is to me.
Nothing is worth this. / He's up to a million.
They're coming. Get in the closet.
I wouldn't eat that shrimp if you were you. God knows how long it's been in there.
Oh, Cee Cee, I'm an expert on garbage.
This baby's got two or three hours before it turns.
Want a bite? / No. As appealing as hepatitis sounds,
yellow is just not my color.
Well, let's talk about us.
You see, I, I think you and I see eye-to-eye.
Those aren't my eyes.
Well, don't you know that little bald middle age men have very high levels of testosterone?
An ironic twist of fate.
You see, I say let's dump Sheffield and make this a duet.
You said on the phone that you're the brains
and he's just a pretty face in a blazer.
I said that? How dare me.
I said you were pretty great and a trail blazer.
Damn celular phones.
Let me tell you something.
Maxwell Sheffield is a man of vision.
Sure he passed on "Cats," not one of his finest hours,
but when everybody was going crazy wondering where to put the fiddler,
he's the one that said, "Stick him on the roof."
What does Sheffield really have that I don't have?
Well, for starters, he doesn't have a shrimp vein hanging out of his tooth.
Mr. Sheffield is a man of integrity.
When he believes in a play he will stick by it
even if it takes him 20 years to mount.
Whilst I, Cee Cee Babcock, will mount just about anything.
Oh, there must be a gun in here somewhere. I'll say she was a burglar.
If you're going to stick with that no-talent limie loser, then...
oh, hey, hi, Sheffield. / Oh, she goes in; he comes out.
This is like a David Copperfield special.
Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?
Just throwing out the trash.
Don't leave.
Do you want to hear a really funny story?
Hello, there. / Mr. Sheffield.
You were worried about me so you were peeking through the key hole?
Oh, how sweet.
You don't do that at home, do you?
Oh, Niles, my mother's going to be here any minute.
How am I going to tell her that she doesn't have a pot to pishki in?
Just tell her the truth.
Oh, right, the truth, of course. I'm a grown woman.
I don't have to be afraid of my own mother.
Besides, she's slowed down ever since her thighs met.
She wears corduroy slacks. She could roast a marshmallow.
Hi Ma. / Hi. / How you doing?
Ma, I got something to tell you, but I'm scared you're going to yell.
Darling, you scared of your mother? I could just smack you.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Meanwhile, when's the last time you called your poor mother...
an ocean away in a drafty country eating French fries from a newspaper?
Mommy, just promise me you're not going to yell.
Why would I yell?
Good evening, ladies. / Mr. Sheffield, I was just going to tell my mother about her investment.
Oh, yes. As a matter of fact, I have some good news on that front.
I found a new investor, and you are looking at him.
Oh, well, I thought that you never invested in your own plays.
Which frankly I always found to be very fishy.
Well, I hear this one's being produced by a man of vision and integrity.
Oh, Sylvia, you'd have been very proud of your daughter.
Oh, we don't need to tell her this.
She turned down one of the wealthiest men in the country,
and she did it out of loyalty to me.
So that's what you were afraid to tell me,
that you turned down a millionaire.
Franny, you don't know your mother very well. / Oh ...
Excuse me. Is this oven gas?